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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.